Well, this is new.


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Anyone who reads my blog will know that I am most certainly ‘boy crazy’. It’s not like I sleep with them all, I just like the attention I guess. I’ve been running from any kind of commitment for a while now; well, a few years. It’s just always been easier keeping it simple. Besides, relationships take a ton of effort. My excuse has just been that I don’t have the time. What’s interesting about that is I really believed it for a long time. But then last weekend happened. A friend of mine introduced me to his friend visiting from Dallas. For me there was an almost instant connection. I wont bore you with the details of the night; but I will say that he made me laugh so hard, he has a great smile, he’s smart, kind, and very very handsome. Once my mind registered the fact that guys like him come very far and few between, I didn’t waste much time making sure I could get to know him. By the next day, we were at lunch together. What I liked most about getting to know him is that he was so shy and awkward because of it. It was seriously the sweetest thing. I loved it because he’s not full of himself, hes not latched on to some bloated ego like most men. My mind involuntarily made this decision to let him pursue me. Ignoring my usual instincts to brush any initial feelings off or avoid them completely. That day he left back to Dallas. We kept in touch mostly by texting and a few skype calls. I just couldn’t get enough of him. It’s like a feeling I haven’t felt since sophomore year of high school. Except this time there’s a real life aspect. I’m not in high school, I’m grown up (most of the time) I have my own place, a full time job, a dog. And now maybe a grown up relationship is in the mix? It’s terrifying. Every step forward is heart-stopping. But I like it. After a lot of hinting on my part, he drove back this weekend. We spent so much of this weekend cuddled under my comforter just talking. I asked him so many hard-to-answer questions, I really felt like he was letting me get to know him and in turn, he was getting to know me. This is the first person I’ve met in my adult life that I want to be completely honest with. I really feel something here that could turn out to be real. I haven’t had anything real in a long time. Maybe because my past is too dark and I’m scared there is no one out there who could take it all in and still be capable of falling in love with me. Today when he left to go back home, I couldn’t help but feel a little bit down. So now the plan is that next weekend I will be driving to Dallas. Wish me luck!



p.s. He fixed my laptop! Yay for more frequent blogging!

Let’s leave this one untitled


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Someone asked me if my friends could see my blog, would I post the same stuff? My answer was no. This is my place to go free of judgment and hassle. This is the only place where I am not fearful of what others think. If I didn’t have this I would be a lot more alone than I already am. I’m one of those closet depressed people. I’m scared of the physical world and the people who inhabit it. But here, I could be anyone. So I choose to be myself.

Why Moving Sucks.


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1. Boxes are expensive as hell.
2. Finding a place that feels like home and fits your budget is never easy.
3. Yay Packing! Let me sort through absolutely everything I own. This is especially intimidating if you are unorganized.
4. Transferring all of your services to the new place, so much wasted time on the phone.
5. I still don’t even know how to forward my mail.
6. Now let me throw all of my money away on deposits and application fees.
7. You better have some really nice friends. Otherwise get your wallet out again, time to hire some movers!
8. Moving day! Time to lug all of your heavy shit to wherever its going.
9. Your gonna unpack in one day? Try 4. Or maybe 7.
10. Oh yeah, I hope none of your stuff broke on that bumpy road to the new place!

If your in the process of moving, good luck! I seriously don’t think I’ve been more stressed ever in my life!


Decisions. What drives us all mad.


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Not knowing what you want is a perpetual nightmare. Going back and forth with your heart and mind, trying to make a decision that in that moment may seem life changing. Is it really so hard? How can humans be so complicated that we actually go so far as to fight with ourselves? Even once you come to a final decision your still questioning yourself for hours or days. What is even worse is when you implement the actions of your decision fearing the outcome. Are we ever really sure of the choices we make? Most of us aren’t sure until our decision meets action and then action triggers reaction. Once it’s all done and over with, we dust our hands and marvel at what our mind so carefully constructed. Whether or not everything plays out is out of your hands. What you have to realize before all of this is that life won’t always come around and pat you on the back, but when it does it feels damn good. I’m not sure what I’m getting at here. Maybe I’m just beating around my own inability to ever come to a decision on anything.


I’m really not all that complicated.

Get to know me before you decide to keep reading.

I live in a big city in Texas USA.
I fight with myself a lot, over dumb things.
By boy crazy I don’t mean i sleep around, just that I am very entertained by the attention of a boy.
I say “a boy” because generally I only take interest in one at a time, as long as I can stay unattached, I’m safe from having my feelings hurt.
I was abused as a child.
My dad drank.
My mom died when I was a baby.
I was in foster care for a year.
I somehow managed to graduate highschool.
Sometimes I write some really smart sounding shit when I’m high.
I am a stresser and a worrier.
I sometimes have to remind myself to breathe.
I’m super self conscious about the way I look. Regardless of how “beautiful” everyone says I am.
I’ve never told one single person all of my secrets.
I have a pretty horrifying past. A past that could ruin my present.
I was an outcast in school.
And lastly, I wish everyday for a window, just a little bit of light so I can see what’s out there. What I might be missing out on, or where I’m supposed to be.


The Best Part Is…

The best part of this is that you will never know who I am. I’m not looking for attention or expression, but more for a place to neatly place all of my life experiences that I can’t share with the people close to me. A place for all my secrets and thoughts to multiply into what will eventually become a very accurate depiction of the life I lead. You should know that from the outside I am a 21 year old nanny of 3. I live on my own, and I take care of myself. Outside of all of that, I’m a socially awkward, slightly boy crazy, pot smoker, with few real friends. If you find any interest in that. Then stay posted.